Broken Cogs
by laurelangel
Summary: When Naruto has memory problems, Sakura and Sasuke convince him to have his head examined. The results are, well, unsurprising. At least they would be if Sakura could ever inform her patient of his condition. Humor, Oneshot.


Title: Broken Cogs

Summary: When Naurto has memory problems, Sakura and Sasuke convince him to have his head examined. The results are, well, unsurprising. At least they would be if Sakura could ever inform her patient of his condition.

Category: Humor, One-shot

Rating: T (Naruto's mouth and hormone-driven teenage humor)

* * *

It should have been a bright and beautiful Wednesday for Sakura Haruno. The sun was shining, birds were singing, a slight breeze ruffled the blooming trees lining the many walkways of the Hidden Village in the Leaves. It was a perfect day for Sasuke stalking. Or shopping. Whichever caught her eye first. 

Sasuke _was_ nearby this lovely morning, leaning against the wall with his patented apathetic countenance, (and he was in fine form today as his apathetic countenances went, if she did say so herself) but she was unable to spare her idol his deserved affections. She was unable to listen to each lovely sigh of impatience or annoyance that left his lips and compare it to the thousands of similar noises that came before it. (She knew them all, and was very adept at ranking them on a scale of one to ten from "these peasants dull me" to "I'm about to rip out your rib cage and turn it into a xylophone"). She was unable to pay homage to her dearest and oldest crush because someone _else_ was monopolizing her attention.

Someone who wouldn't stop kicking his bare feet against the metal examination table.

Someone who kept huffing loudly that he "didn't need to be here" and "couldn't she hurry it up already? He was _hungry_."

Someone who had broken a door, two stethoscopes, and a clipboard by ten thirty in the morning. Although, to be fair, she supposed she was the one who broke the clipboard. On his head, that is.

Someone who as a rule was loud, and obnoxious, and orange, and hell-bent on finding trouble of the mortal peril kind if left unattended for more than three minutes or bereft of ramen for more than ten.

"Sakura-chan, can you hurry up, please? It's cold!"

"If you hadn't insisted on taking your pants off, you wouldn't be that cold, Naruto-_kun_."

"But Sakura-chan I just wanted to make sure you didn't need to do a—ah—more _thorough_ examination."

Sakura resisted the temptation to fling her pen at Naruto's forehead and instead stowed it behind her ear. She smiled sweetly and said, "Fortunately, all we need to examine today is your head." She began to turn her attention to the (new) clipboard in her hands but was stopped by a cold, dry voice coming from the door.

"I don't know why you bother. All Konoha knows that part is broken."

Naruto grimaced. "Shut it pretty-boy." He reached for a tongue depressor on the counter next to him and attempted to throw it at his rival, but found his efforts thwarted. Sasuke smoothly plucked it out of the air, hurled it back at its normally orange origin and twitched his lip in a sneer, "At least I'm not the one who can't even remember what day—"

"Now, now boys, stop that." Sakura snatched the tongue depressor from Naruto and secured it with its' siblings in a cabinet over the sink. She looked at both of them crossly, put her hands on her hips, and sighed. This was the third time she had given this lecture this morning. "No fights. This was supposed to be a ten minute check up and we've already been here an hour and a half. I'm almost done, just let me finish looking at these charts." She gave them one last stern look, picked up her clipboard from where she had set it on the counter and focused her attention on the gray matter depicted. She bit her lip, stepped a few paces forward, tugged at the pen behind her ear and was about to pull it out and circle a part on the—

"Oooohh, pretty pictures." Naruto crooned, looking earnestly over Sakura's shoulders.

"Its your brain, moron, the only thing pretty about it is that its pretty useless." Sasuke's snide comment garnered Naruto's immediate full attention (as only Sasuke could) and Sakura felt her eye begin to twitch. Her fingers tightened on her pen.

"Nuh-uh! I bet my brain is prettier and bigger than yours! Sakura-chan, make him a brain picture too and show him how great mine is next to his!!"

She could resist temptation no longer.

Thwack!

Naruto reeled back on the metal table, hands clutching his forehead and whimpering. Sakura ignored the whining mass of misery and snarled at the brooding instigator near the door. "Sasuke! Stop aggravating Naruto! Naruto, stop taking the bait! And, Naruto-_kun,_ I would like to remind you that due to your little stunt earlier, no one at the hospital will be taking any 'brain pictures' any time in the near future!"

Naruto rose up defensively and pointed an accusatory finger in her direction. "You told me I was supposed to be trying to find cats!!"

Sakura's shoulders slumped as she hunched over her clipboard in defeat.

Sasuke crossed the room and poked Naruto in the forehead. "It was a CAT _scan_, moron, not a field mission to find a cat." Naruto pushed Sasuke's finger away and waved his arms in defiance.

"I thought it'd be some perception-video gamey type thing. Not an x-ray machine. You should have told me it was a x-ray machine."

Sakura sighed and straightened. "Most people know what a CAT scan machine is, Naruto."

"Well, I'm not most people." Naruto thrust his lower lip out in a pout and folded his arms over his chest.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You can say that again."

Naruto lurched forward and grabbed Sasuke's shirt collar, "Shut up, asshole, before I make—"

"No Naruto!" Sakura barged in between the two and pushed Sasuke back to his corner by the door, turning her head to scold Naruto. "Can you just, be still, for two seconds? Please? I really am almost through with this…"

Naruto bowed his head apologetically, "Sorry, Sakura-chan." Sasuke gave a "hn" and resumed his apathetic-brooding pose, leaning against the door and staring at the wall. Sakura stalked over to her abandoned clipboard and slammed it loudly down on the counter. She reached for her pen, remembered she'd thrown it at Naruto, and cursed angrily under her breath as she searched the room for another.

Locating a replacement, she finally returned to her charts, and lost herself in the wonders of the human mind. Circling this spot, putting an x-here, a squiggly line there—oooh, that needed a dash, wait, that wasn't right was it? Sakura pulled out a textbook (she conveniently stashed it in the cabinet last week when she originally attempted to bring Naruto in for an examination, what marvelous foresight she had) and compared the pictures, humming lightly to herself.

More dashes, two checks, another circle, one nervous cough from Naruto (silenced by a patented angry Sakura glare), and several squiggled lines later, Sakura abruptly pushed away from the counter and, beaming, held the now thoroughly colored charts up to the light. "There! That's done!"

There was momentary silence as Sakura basked in the warm fuzzy feeling of success, and Sasuke and Naruto waited patiently for her to explain whatever it was she successfully accomplished.

A few more moments. Sakura beamed. Sasuke brooded. Naruto squirmed.

A few more moments. Sakura beamed. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Naruto squirmed some more. And coughed, and finally decided to be the not so patient patient and interrupt his doctor-friends revelry. "Umm…so, what's wrong with me then?"

Sakura blinked, recovered from her dazed state and briskly clipped the charts to a whiteboard on the wall. She twirled her pen in her fingers and tapped it against some squiggly lines on the gray mass on the chart on the board. She turned toward Naruto and, in a very official-knowing tone stated, "You, Naruto-kun, have a cognitive disorder."

Naruto's face scrunched up in confusion. "I have a whata-whata?"

Sakura repeated her prior statement. "A cognitive disorder."

Naruto nodded earnestly. "Yeah, I heard you the first time. I have a cognition disorder."

Sakura twitched. "No, Naruto! It's a cognitive disorder, not cognition disorder, it means—"

"It means you have problems with your cogs, Deadlast." Sakura's head swiveled to Sasuke, eyes widening and mouth opening in automatic protest—

"My cogs!?!"

Too late. "No! Sasuke—"

"I have cogs!?!" Naruto's shriek was loud and high in pitch. Sakura winced and covered her ears.

"Yes." Sasuke nodded indulgently in Naruto's direction.

"NO! Sasuke stop!" Sakura removed her hands from her ears began to tug at her hair.

"Where do I have cogs?" Naruto's mouth was open, aghast at this new information.

"You don't have cogs!" Sakura snapped and glared at Sasuke fingers itching toward her ear, searching for a pen that was not in residence.

Naruto turned toward her, puzzled. "I don't? But Sasuke-bastard said—"

"She's right. You don't. Because you broke them." Sasuke gave Naruto a flat, accusatory glare.

Naruto protested this accusation, shaking his head. "I broke them? I just keep forgettin' stuff! I don't feel like anything's broken—"

Sakura scowled at both of them. "Nothing's broken!"

"But Sasuke says my cogs are!" Naruto's whine reached brand new levels of annoyingness.

Sakura's scowl deepened. "Sasuke's wrong! Your cogs aren't broken."

"So I do have cogs then?" Naruto's blue eyes locked with hers and Sakura found herself unable to look away from his intense, inquisitive gaze.

"Y-yes!" Sakura stuttered, and shook her head. " No! I mean, wait, I mean---gahhh, I hate you both!" She threw her arms up in the air in a gesture of utter irritation. Naurto noticeably paled, as the room seemed to shrink several sizes and Sakura towered over him, clipboard retrieved and clutched firmly in hand.

Sasuke remained calm, collected, and unaffected. Bastard.

"Don't get mad! It's Sasuke-bastard's fault! I didn't do nothing!"

Sasuke gave him a _look_. "Idiot, technically it's your fault."

"Ehh?"

"Your cogs. Your fault. You broke them in the first place."

"Damn it, you asshole, you're gonna be the one broken if you don't stop getting Sakura-chan mad! I'm not gonna get hit 'cause of you!"

"As we've established that you've already broken your cogs, I don't think she can do any lasting damage."

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!!" Sakura brought the clipboard down hard against the counter and it snapped loudly in two, splintering and clattering on the tile floor. Naruto whimpered. Sasuke twitched, slightly.

"…"

"Thank you. Now as I was saying, Naruto, you have a cognitive disorder. It's the reason why you've been forgetting—yes, Naruto, you don't have to raise your hand."

Naruto squirmed on the table, mischievous gleam apparent in his eyes. "Sakura-chan, you just told Bastard to shut up."

"…Yes… I'm well aware that I requested you and _Sasuke-kun_ be quiet."

Naruto wiggled in glee. "HAHAHAHA—Bastard, you just got owned by a fan girl!"

Something inside Sakura snapped.

She gave into an urge she'd been dying to indulge all morning.

She stepped forward and punched an idiot.

She rolled her shoulders and sighed in content. That felt good. She gradually became aware of a steady gaze in her direction. She turned toward Sasuke.

"…" She was greeted with silence, and then a flat, stoic,"I thought medic nins _heal_ the wounded."

She raised her nose. "There are exceptions to every rule."

"Owth—Thakuwa-than I thinkth youth bwoke me nothe." Naruto's hands cradled his nose and he looked at her resentfully.

Sasuke snorted. "'Think,' suggests a possibility. I can tell you that statement is a definite fact."

Sakura sighed and started forward "Oh for the love of—At least I can fix what I break! Don't rub it… Here, chin up…don't wiggle Naruto! Hold still! You would think I've never set your nose before—I see those hands mister!"

"OWW! Damn it Sakura! That stings!"

"Teh—you're such a baby…" Sasuke resumed his staring contest with the wall.

"Am not!" Naruto cleverly retorted as one hand gingerly examined his newly healed nose.

"Cry me a water-bunshin."

"Take that back!"

"Boys, please, let's not fight anymore…" Sakura was beginning to realize this was a lost cause.

"Hmmm…no."

"Screw you Bastard!"

"I mean, really now, come on, isn't this a bit childish…" The boys weren't really boys anymore. They were men, nineteen in fact, and still acting—

"You first."

"You wish!"

--as if they were eleven. "BOYS!!"

"Yes ma'm, Sakura ma'm."

"Hn."

"Now. Naruto. Back to your problem. You have a cognition disorder…No, wait, cognitive. You have a _cognitive disorder_, not cognition. The phrase _cognitive disorder_ is an umbrella term used to describe disorders that affect thinking, memory, consciousness, perception, and other similar processes. There are many different cognitive disorders, occurring most notably in the elderly as the brain deteriorates due to age and years of various forms of abuse. They also can be seen in people of younger ages, usually stemming from drug use or—"

"Woah! Dude, Sakura-chan, I totally don't do that type of stuff!"

Sasuke's lips twitched. "Are you sure?"

Sakura groaned. "I'm not suggesting—"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"Can you even remember what you did last night?" Sasuke looked at Naruto, arms crossed and eyes focused expectantly.

Naruto ran his hands through his hair. "Last night? Of course! I, uh, I went….well, there was a...um, it was Thursday? No, that's not right. Today is Wednesday so I…wasn't I, uh, with you, at Ichiraku's?"

Sasuke leaned forward. "You only know that because you drag me there after training every Tuesday night."

"Hang on, I never said—" Sakura paused mid-thought. "Wait, what happened last night?"

Naruto tugged on his ear, a nervous habit he had never quite outgrown. "Well, um, it was Tuesday, right? So it was Ichiraku guy's night."

"Ichiraku guy's night." Sakura repeated the words slowly. Why did she not know about this 'Ichiraku guy's night?' She knew everything about Sasuke and Naruto! How did she not know about this?!"

"Umm yeah." Naruto looked at her anxiously, wondering if he had committed some heinous crime by telling a female about the most sacred night in the life of his male comrades.

"Oh really?" Sakura tapped her fingers against the examination table. "Go on."

"Uhh—well," Naruto stammered and began to babble "it's Me an' Kiba an' Shika an' Lee, an' Bastard here. Sometimes Shino and Neji come, but Neji's still sore about that comment Kiba made about his hair last month and well Shino got ticked at someone complaining about bugs in their soup an' really I was on a mission that week so I don't know the whole story…. Kaka-sensei came last week. Eh, remember that Sasuke? King Green Beast of the Fuzzy Brow Land showed up an' challenged him to a poker game…" Naruto suddenly trailed off and studied his toes intently.

Sakura blinked "Well?"

Naruto looked up, startled "Well, what?"

"Is there an ending to this story or what?"

Naruto shrugged sheepishly. "Um, I don't remember?"

"Hn."

"Naruto!"

"What! Told you I had memory problems! Its why I'm here 'member?!"

Sakura huffed in irritation. "Whatever! Anyways, like I was saying…wait, what was I saying?" Sakura suddenly realized she lost her previous train of thought with the revelation of a Konoha male ramen and poker night. Fortunately, Sasuke was present to keep her on track.

"The Moron here is on drugs."

Sakura nodded. "Right, and that's one of the reasons memory becomes impaired—"

"What do you mean right?! I told you I don't get off on that type of stuff!" Naurto shrieked in vehement protest.

"I wasn't saying—" Sakura began, flustered. Wait, hadn't she said this already?

Sasuke raised an elegant eyebrow and smirked. "What type of stuff do you use to 'get off on' then?"

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura gasped and blushed.

Nauto's mouth opened and closed, repeatedly, before he finally summoned enough air to stutter the devastating comment "I can't believe you! You—you—you ass-tard!"

"That is not the topic!" Sakura snapped, hiding the heat she felt rising to her cheeks by bending over to pick up the pieces of the previously shattered clipboard.

"What?" Sasuke's smirk grew, "Me being an ass-tard or what Naruto 'gets off on'?"

Sakura flung bits of clipboard in Sasuke's direction. "Neither is part of our discussion!"

Sasuke shrugged. "You asked the question, I'm just making sure you receive an accurate answer for your _diagnosis_."

Sakura threw more pieces of clipboard. "That wasn't a question!"

"What was then?" Naruto broke into the argument, sounding slightly confused.

Sakura stopped, surprised. "What?"

Naruto looked at her, puzzled "What was what?"

Sakura shook her head. "No, you asked me what?"

"I did?"

"Yes."

"No I didn't. I was answering a question…only I couldn't remember it."

Sakura was now thoroughly lost."Remember what?"

"The question."

Sakura shook her head, frustrated. "Naruto, you aren't making sense."

"Yes I am!"

Sasuke gave a dignified snort (something only Sasuke could do)."Stop trying Sakura. He's speaking dobe-ese"

"I'm speaking what?" Naruto turned toward Sasuke, perplexed.

Sasuke tilted his head to one side and examined Naruto intently. "Try talking like this. When did you last have ramen deadlast?"

Nauto scrunched his face up and bit his lip in concentration. "Umm….Wahh! I can't remember!" Naruto let out a wail and ruffled his hair.

Sakura's mouth dropped in disbelief. "But Naruto, you_ just_ said you went to Ichiraku's last night!"

"I did?"

"We did." Sasuke corrected

"We did?"

"It was Tuesday."

"Oh yeah" Naruto laughed at himself briefly before frowning, "…hey, you let me get totally trashed last night Bastard!" Naruto's finger pointed angrily at Sasuke.

Sasuke glanced briefly at Naruto and shrugged. "I am not your baby-sitter. You are a big ninja now, you can polish your own katana and drink however much you want. I won't stop you."

Naruto's shoulders shifted uneasily. "Yeah, but I mean, next time, when Kiba an' me start singin' at a karaoke night, you totally have my permission to, like, knock me out or use your sharingan on me or somethin'."

"Or something?" Sasuke drawled.

"Well, yeah, just don't let me sing."

"You sang Naruto?" Sakura interrupted, curious.

"Not well." Sasuke said, leaning belligerently against the wall.

Naruto rose once more to the bait. "Hey! My voice isn't that bad, Ino likes it!"

"Ino!" Sakura was aware she was shrieking, as she noticed Sasuke wince, but his comfort paled in comparison to the issue at hand. "Why was Ino there!?!"

Sasuke grimaced. "That was Temari."

Naruto looked astonished. "Really?"

Sasuke nodded. "She was there to see Shikamaru. And she was, as you so eloquently put it, 'totally trashed' too. She does not count as a competent judge of vocal quality."

Sakura sighed, relieved. "Oh, that's alright then. I mean, she was just visiting, so it's not like…umm…What were you singing Naruto?"

Naruto scowled, and began to sulk. "I don't remember."

However, Sasuke was only to happy to volunteer the information she requested. "He was singing something about a whale."

Naruto pouted. "It was a beluga. Jerk. Get it right."

"Hn." Sasuke shrugged. "Fine. A beluga."

Sakura looked from one to the other. "A beluga? What's a beluga?"

Naruto studied the ceiling as he attempted to explain the subject matter of his drunken serenade. "It's umm, white, and kinda like a dolphin, but really more like—"

"A whale." Sasuke smirked. Naruto glared. Sasuke's smirk grew so large it might have been described as a smile by those who didn't know better,"And he danced to."

"I hate you."

"I have pictures."

"Screw you."

Sakura was suddenly overwhelmed by déjà vu.

"You fi—"

Sakura clapped her hands together. Loudly. "And we are back to where we started!! Now, physical injury!"

"What?" Naruto blinked.

Sakura smiled widely and bobbed her head up and down pointing to the charts on the wall. "That's the other reason youth develop cognitive disorders. I thought I would say that phrase instead of "drug usage" first this time and see if we got further in the conversation."

"Oh." Naruto blinked again.

Sakura continued to nod. "Yes. Physical injury! Such as punches, kicks, kunai, shuriken, and other such things that physically impact your head, shaking the brain in the skull and causing it to bruise and damage or kill brain cells."

Naruto rapidly began to feel alarmed. "My brain is dead!?"

"No, just a few too many cells, I think." Sakura said earnestly.

"You think!?" Naruto's voice cracked in panic. "How many cells is too many cells? Do I get more? I mean they are like, important, right? How many do I have in there to begin with? They grow back, right, right?"

Sasuke watched Naruto calmly from his corner. "I wouldn't worry too much Deadlast. You're used to functioning with the minimum amount, a couple less won't effect your quality of life that badly."

Naruto glared at his rival. "Ass—wait, Sakura-chan, that was an insult, right?"

Sakura sighed. "Yes."

"Right then. Asshole! Come here and say that to my face!"

"I just did." Sasuke sneered.

"Say it to my fists then!" Naruto tensed, preparing to jump off the table.

Sasuke leaned forward, voice dripping in condescension, "I don't want to be tempted to hurt your pretty-little head anymore than it already is."

Naruto growled low in his throat "Damn you—"

"Actually, Naruto-kun, that one could be taken as a complement." Sakura cheerfully interjected.

"Oh."

Sakura decided to continue explaining. If she talked fast they might get out by lunch. "Now, to make this an official diagnosis Tsunade-sama will have to look you over as well, but I'm pretty sure you have chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Naruto combined his panicked and confused expressions and managed to achieve befuddled. "I have chrontolic elephantitis pathetamanamy?"

Sakura frowned, and shook her head. "No, chronic traumatic encephalopathy. It's also known as dementia pugilistica and pugilistic Parkinson's syndrome."

"Huh?"

Sakura sighed. "In layman's terms it's known as punch-dunk syndrome."

Naruto grimaced and held out his hands. "Okay, Sakura-chan, let's get two things straight, I don't lay nothin', not you know, like on a regular basis anyways, and I don't drink punch, 'cause I know Kiba spikes it at every party and I like my liquid straight up, if you know what I mean, so there's no way I can have ephalantitis."

Sakura looked at Naruto, buried her head in her hands, and groaned. "_Naruto_. It has nothing to do with punch or 'laying' anything."

"Oh." Naruto crossed his arms defensively. "The why did you say it did?"

Sakura glared. "I didn't—Just….moving on. It's a type of dementia that develops in people who suffer from multiple concussions."

"But Sakura-chan! What the heck does that _mean_?" Naruto tore at his hair in frustration.

"Well, normally, this would mean that your memory would continue to grow worse, you would feel your life spiraling out of control, be prone to nervous break downs, probably fall into chronic depression, might develop bipolar disorder, and would have an 87.632 chance of ending your life in suicide."

Sasuke tensed on the other side of the room where he was polishing some shuriken as Naruto paled and gulped audibly."Sa—Sakura-cha—"

"But according to all my tests and data Kyubbi's chakra is healing your brain cells and you should be back to normal in two weeks, three days, four hours, and fifteen seconds at your current rate of brain cell regeneration." Sakura smiled widely, ripped the charts off the wall, and began to organize them into Naruto's medical file.

Naruto sat in silence for a few seconds. "So…I'll be getting better?"

Sakura rolled her eyes and spun around to face her patient. "That's what I just said!"

"Then what am I doing here?" Naruto looked at her in confusion.

Sakura felt her eye begin to twitch, again. She wasn't even going to get a thank you for this was she? She'd explained so carefully, and he didn't even remember there was a problem in the first place! He'd been here for the past three hours, testing her patience, breaking her equipment, fighting with Sasuke…although really Sasuke provoked most of the fights, they could have, no, should have done this in ten minutes but no Sasuke had to keep…and now…and now….and now...Sakura had an epiphany. She looked at Naruto, and for the first time today, a genuine smile graced her face.

She looked at Naruto, who gazed up at her innocently, honestly not being able to remember why he was even sitting in the room. So trusting…

Why was he here? Why was he here? She cleared her throat and closed the file in her hands. "Why Naruto you're waiting for Sasuke to take you out for ramen, of course."

On the other side of the room two shuriken clanged noisily against the tile.

"I am?" Naruto blinked.

"He's what?" Sasuke's voice was flat and unamused.

Sakura's grin grew bigger. "Why silly, don't you remember? He lost a bet to you and now has to pay for your entire meal. Unlimited bowls."

"He does?" Naruto began to bounce.

"I do?"

"Yes. Yes, he does." Sakura turned to grab Naruto's clothes from the counter top.

"Awesome! Hear that Bastard! I bet you thought I'd forget!"

She handed the bundle of clothes to Naruto and pointed toward a connecting bathroom. "Change over there." Naruto bounced to the bathroom, loudly praising ramen and all things related.

Sasuke glowered at Sakura, hissing, "What the—"

Sakura held up a hand to stop his words. "No, Sasuke-kun. Don't say anything. Just remember this _incident _next time you make me spend two hours and forty five minutes on what should be a ten minute check up."

"All done!" Naruto slammed the bathroom door shut, emerging in all his orange-glory.

"Wonderful!" Sakura chirped. She grabbed both boys by the arm and ushered them out the door. "Don't let Sasuke-kun weasel out of his bet Naruto-kun! Have fun at lunch!"

"Sure thing Sakura-chan, and thanks a bunch, I'd probably never remembered that bet if it wasn't for you! Actually, I still don't, but thanks for remembering for me!"

"Of course! Don't I always look out for my boys?"

Sakura closed the door and collapsed into a pile of hysteric giggles.

She just had to find and Ino and tell her about her morning.

Then they could go shopping. Or Sasuke-stalking. Or both.

It was a beautiful day in Konoha, and she couldn't think of a better way to spend it.


End file.
